Hers to Heal Read online

  In his sleep, Reece scratched the side of his leg and rolled over. His erection nearly peeked out of the elastic waistband. Oh my. This guy is big everywhere!

  There would have been a time when such a sight would have filled her with panic, knotted her stomach in fear. Old painful memories would have surfaced, taking control of her thoughts and actions. But not with this man. She trusted him. After all, he’d held her through the night and hadn’t taken advantage, even after their lighthearted flirting earlier in the evening. Plus, there was no denying she had deep feelings where he was concerned.

  Stepping inside his room, she closed the door and the lock snicked. His long lashes fluttered open. “Hey.” A slow sexy smile of welcome spread. “Come lie with me. I wasn’t expecting you yet.”

  Slipping off her sneakers, she stretched on the bed beside him. “Both you and Piper are taking long afternoon naps today. What’s this about magic jelly beans?”

  He pulled her close and kissed her neck in several places. “No, you don’t. I know how you girls talk. You tell each other everything. I’m not giving away any secrets. You’ll find out tomorrow morning. That’s all I’m saying except damn, you smell good.” His lips covered hers, quickly taking control, delving his tongue inside her mouth. She gave as good as she got, sweeping her tongue over his, loving the way he kissed, as if he couldn’t get enough of her.

  “I was going to take you horseback riding, but I don’t have them saddled yet.” His hand swept down her spine and she slid closer to him. “I wanted to talk to you in private about us.”

  His hazel eyes seemed so serious. Almost as if he was afraid to broach whatever topic was on his mind.

  “What is it?” She placed a hand on his cheek. His beard was soft against her palm.

  “I’d like to start dating you. You and Piper. I know this is a package deal and I don’t mind. Half of the time, we’ll include her. Half of the time, it’ll be just you and me.” He wrapped his hand around hers and brought it to his lips for a kiss. “But there’s something you need to know before you allow me into your little family circle.”

  Oh dear. Was he hiding something? Another family? “What?”

  “The depth of my PTSD. I’ve worked through the silence barrier with your help. Hell, your insistence. But there’s more.” He swallowed and appeared as though he couldn’t bring himself to share what troubled him. His gaze sailed around the room as if searching for an anchoring spot.

  “I’ll wait. Tell me when you’re ready.” She knew all too well that exposing pain wasn’t easy or pleasant. It took an inner power not everyone had.

  His wayward gaze finally settled on her eyes. He cleared his throat. “I have visions and nightmares. Day and night. Awake and asleep.”

  She nodded in what she hoped was an encouraging way. “Okay.” He’d mentioned them before, but never in detail.

  He inhaled a jagged breath. “Sometimes when you’re massaging me, I see a crack form on this wall behind me. Snakes with blood-red eyes crawl out in orange goo. Lots of snakes.”

  She gasped. Dear Lord, she’d suffered through her share of strange episodes unrelated and sometimes directly related to what she’d endured. It took a strong person to handle it alone. She knew. “But you’ve never reacted. Never tried to get away from them. Showed any fear in my presence.”

  “I was still encased in my cage of silence. Plus, I’d had the same vision so many times, been freaked the hell out so often over the past few months, I’d accepted them for what they were. My wounded psyche playing cruel mental games with me.”

  She breathed kisses on his face. “Oh, Reece, honey. You have to get help. Only a counselor trained in PTSD will help you heal to put away the trauma.”

  “Will you contact this Doctor Raymond for me? All the guys talk highly of him.”

  “Yes, tonight.” She’d move heaven and earth to help this man, just as she would her daughter. She cared that much for him.

  “I won’t play games with you and Piper. I don’t want to hurt either of you. I’m hoping for a long-term, if not permanent relationship.” He exhaled a ragged breath. “Can you blame a guy for wishing the incredible lady he’s got his eye on might want the same things?” His gaze searched hers, no doubt trying to see inside her soul, her heart.

  The man was honest and up front, even if his words made her tremble. “Permanent?”

  “Yes, if I can get my shit together. If I can get back a sense of normalcy again. I think I’ll always be a tad off-kilter. My hope is that we’ll give each other a chance to start feeling deeply for one another. I don’t want to rush. It’s just with a child as sweet as Piper involved, we need to be truthful about everything.”

  Her heart surged into her throat. Gina already had deep emotions for this man. Although he’d seemed cold initially, he was warmhearted once she got to know him. “I agree. She wants a daddy so badly.”

  He bit her earlobe and ran his teeth along her jawline, eliciting a sweet feminine fluttering. Awareness trickled through her, making her toes curl. “I care a lot for both of you, Gina. The last thing I want is to cause you any pain or disappoint you in any way.”

  He’d been so open with her. Now, if this relationship was ever going to get off the ground, she’d have to be equally honest with him. Her stomach tightened at the prospect of all she’d have to reveal to this wonderful guy she never expected to find.

  Chapter 14

  Gina sat, folding her legs and tucking her feet near her bottom. “Time for me to share some painful things and ask some hard questions.” If her nerves didn’t have her hurling first.

  Reece dipped his chin once. “Fair enough.”

  She clasped her trembling hands in her lap to keep them still and stared at her overlapping thumbs. “I…I can’t have any more children. You need to know that since you mentioned the word ‘permanent.’ ” Her gaze rose to gauge his reaction. He blinked, but showed no shock or aversion to her proclamation.

  “I couldn’t deliver Piper vaginally. I’d had a long, difficult labor. She was three weeks premature, which added to her issues. To avert a crisis to the baby or me, doctors performed a cesarean. Afterward, I hemorrhaged and required an emergency hysterectomy. So, if you want children in your future, the only way you can have them with me is to adopt. You need to know that fact.”

  “We have Piper. She’ll be my child if things go that far. Baby, I look on her as my own, already.”

  “Oh, she’ll make sure that you do.” Bless him, he was making this easy for her. She exhaled a shaky breath.

  Reece took her hand and rubbed his thumb over her palm. “To be honest, I don’t know if I could handle a baby. The crying and screaming.” He shook his head. “I’m not so sure it wouldn’t push me into an episode. I mean, what kind of father would I be with a tiny baby? Piper and I interact well. Of course, preteen and teenaged years loom before us.”

  Gina rolled her eyes. “Don’t remind me. They’re coming too fast.”

  “Don’t think you’re going to chase me off just because you can’t carry my child. I fear you already carry my heart.”

  How could he be so sweet after everything he’d suffered? Tears welled and her throat constricted. She took a deep breath and then another, struggling to keep them at bay. “Please…please don’t make me cry. I’ll…I’ll never be able to tell it all.”

  Reece pulled her back beside him, held her close, hooked his leg over hers. “Baby, if it saddens you so much, then don’t tell me.” His hand swept over her hair. “No words could change the way I feel.”

  She owed him the truth. But the telling of it…oh, the telling of it would rip the healing scab off the deep, jagged wound that nearly cleaved her soul in two. She curled her hands into fists and dug deep for strength. Could she get through this without falling apart? Could she make him understand why she’d handled the consequences the way she had?

  Her lips pursed and she pushed out a long breath of air.

  “Easy, baby…easy. Start at
the beginning. Stop when it gets too rough.”

  “O…okay.” She nodded. “My brother, a Marine, was killed in Iraq, and my family pressured me to join as Lance’s replacement.” She smiled weakly at Reece. “I come from a long line of jarheads. Generations of them. My father expected me to wear the emblem of the eagle, globe, and anchor for my generation since Lance was buried at Arlington.”

  “That’s a lot of pressure.”

  She nodded. “Yeah. My parents were so grief ridden, I wanted to do what I could to make them happy. When I enlisted, I’d been a certified physical therapist. I had orders for assignment to the medic battalion to administer medical care during combat. Like most recruits from east of the Mississippi, I was trained at Parris Island in South Carolina for both basic training and advanced medical emergency preparation, or AMEP.

  “We were on night maneuvers, our last before graduation from AMEP, a hellacious six-month training to make us quasi doctors. For this twelve-hour exercise, the field medics were divided and inserted into teams with Marines finishing their basic training.”

  “Yeah, we do that with SEAL medics, too.”

  “It was unusually warm for October. Hot, in fact. So hot even the palm trees were sweating. Muggy. The air so heavy with humidity it nearly smothered your lungs. I was responsible for setting up a field hospital for my team. My orders were to erect a tent and ready it for incoming wounded rather than engage in mock battle with my team, treating wounded on-site. I chose a spot in a small clearing of pines. Setting up that tent alone was a bitch.”

  “I’m sure it was, baby. I’m also positive you succeeded.” She shot a quick glance at Reece, saw the questioning in his eyes. He probably wondered where she was going with all this detail.

  She shuddered a breath and shoved her face against Reece’s warm chest, inhaling the scent of sunshine and worn leather that seemed a part of him.

  He cupped the back of her head. “Take your time. I feel as if I’m there already. You’ve described the scene well.”

  Having been a SEAL, he’d have gone on more than his share of night maneuvers where visibility was less than zero as you rushed to complete your assigned mission on time, oblivious to everything but the task at hand.

  She drew in a breath of air warmed by Reece’s skin and recalled the humidity of that long-ago night clogging her lungs. Her vision hazed and she drifted back.

  A penlight clamped between her teeth, she had struggled to adjust the last guide rope to the tent. Sweat stung her eyes as it poured from her forehead. She had to have all corners properly secured to withstand Marines carrying in the mock wounded. If the tent collapsed, her team’s score would suffer.

  Someone from behind grabbed her arms.

  A thick blindfold covered her eyes.

  Tape slapped over her mouth.

  Panic seized her lungs.

  Dammit, she’d been captured by another team! Talk about being silent, yet deadly. Why hadn’t she paid more attention to her surroundings?

  She tried to guess how many there were. The Marines were noiseless and effective as they knocked her to the ground. Ropes were wrapped around her wrists and her arms pulled over her head. Someone must have tied her to a tree trunk if the increased tension on her shoulder joints was any indication. Boy, they were really out to intimidate her and her team.

  Something niggled at her gut. This was not SOP. Standing operating procedure would have been to secure her wrists behind her and begin an interrogation. Not gag and blindfold her. What the hell was going on?

  She’d like to tell them there was a sharp rock under the pine needles at her back, but the tape over her mouth prevented that. Ropes were bound around each of her ankles and secured to something, leaving her legs spread wide. Fear laced with a strong dose of panic did a free fall through her system. This could not be happening. Her heart pounded so hard, her body shook from its force.

  Someone loosened her belt and she knew. Dear God, she knew.

  No! She’d not make it easy for these motherfuckers. She fought. Pulled and tugged against her restraints. Bucked to weaken the ropes. Each movement dug the stone into her back.

  The rasp of her zipper pierced the silence. Large hands lifted her hips and jerked down her BDU combat pants. The cold steel of a knife cut the leg elastic of her panties upward to the waistband. Her stomach rolled in revolt and her hands, though tied, fisted.

  She jerked against her restraints. Her screams were muffled by the tape over her mouth. More hands unbuttoned her shirt. Her mind, rebelling against what was happening, ran amuck in her head like a rabid dog, snarling and biting at brain cells.

  This can’t be happening! Cannot. Be. Happening! I’m a Marine! I’m one of them! A knife sliced her t-shirt and bra. Warm blood flowed as the tip of the knife also lacerated her skin.

  Another zipper rasped and the weight of a man covered her. She trembled so hard, the man’s hold on her arms painfully tightened. No words were spoken as he rammed his cock into her, dragging and tearing against the dry walls of her vagina. Pain ripped through her like rusty barbed wire. His steamy rancid breath increased as he sawed in and out. More grunts. More pain. He pawed her breasts. Finally, he climaxed and stood. She gagged, her stomach wanting to empty its contents.

  Another rapist took his place.

  And another.

  She’d gone cold. Trembled with violation. Her mind numbed as one by one these fellow Marines battered her—four, five, she didn’t know. Her mental capacities were so impaired, she couldn’t be sure of anything. Not who she was or where she was…or if she still lived.

  Someone repositioned her pants and rezipped them. Another, or maybe it was the same guy, rebuttoned her shirt and whispered in her ear. “Tell anyone about this and we’ll fuck you up the ass…before we slit your throat.”

  The ropes that held her prisoner were cut and she rolled over into a fetal position. Rope burns scalded her wrists. Her shoulder joints ached from fighting her restraints. The cut across her chest seared. Her vagina felt so inflamed and raw she couldn’t stand her thighs touching.

  Her attackers had disappeared as silently as they’d crept into her life.

  Tears from her sobs soaked her blindfold. Footsteps came from behind her and she curled into a smaller form to make herself invisible. The men were back. She needed to hide, to make herself as small as a turtle…a pebble, maybe. No one noticed a pebble.

  “Medic! We’ve got wounded. What the hell?” Someone ran to her. Knees jammed her side. A hand touched her arm and she flinched. “Jonesy, help me here! Something’s happened to Tobs!” The tape was peeled from her mouth and the blindfold untied. “Tobs, my God, what the fuck happened?”

  Humiliation for what she’d endured flooded in like turbulent waves. Voices were an incoherent jumbled blur. She blinked, but couldn’t make out anything in the darkness. Someone shined a flashlight in her eyes. And she screamed. She screamed for all the touching, the cutting, the repeated fucking.

  When a helicopter landed nearby, she was still screaming, her throat raw. Her arms flailed, punching in sheer panic at her invisible rapists.

  She vaguely recalled being flown to a hospital, examined under harsh lights. When asked questions, she couldn’t respond. Everything inside her had died, including her reactions and communication skills. Service medical personnel treated her for venereal disease. Completing the rape kit was one more degradation.

  Her medical records showed she’d been on the pill. They had no way of knowing she’d stopped taking the birth control pills because of the weight gain and bloating they caused. She was having enough trouble keeping below her military-standard weight limit.

  “Did they give you the morning-after pill?” Reece’s question whispered in a raw voice pulled her back to the present. Dampness on his cheeks surprised her.

  “They did, but seven years ago those pills were roughly eighty-five percent effective depending on where you were in your menstrual cycle.” She rolled to sit on the side of the bed
and uncurled her fists, fingertips tingling and her heart racing. It had been years since she’d talked about that horrific night.

  Reece moved behind her, getting off the bed. His only hand fisted, he paced the room, his face a mask of rage. “Motherfuckers! Your brothers-in-arms raped you? The very men who were supposed to have your six put you through hell for a quick sexual release? Damn them! Damn them all to eternal hell!” His fist slammed against the woodwork around the door.

  He paced some more, ran his hand through his hair, and swore again. “We have a code in the service. An unspoken code of brotherhood, of protection, of…of respect, no matter how much we rag on each other. Fuck them for not respecting that code and womanhood. Hell, don’t they have mothers? Sisters? Little nieces they cherish?” He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling as if it dispensed life’s answers.

  Was he the type of man who couldn’t get beyond his lady being raped? Would he still want her? Or was he turned off by her now? She had no doubt a man like Reece would feel sorry for her, but could he ever feel the passion he’d shown earlier? If so, she wasn’t telling him the rest of her story. Sadness and disappointment joined forces and punched her gut, twisting it so badly she nearly doubled over with the pain of it. She was losing him.

  He stooped to his knees in front of her and peered into her eyes. “Baby, your expression. There’s more you want to tell me, isn’t there?”

  Gina shrugged. “I’m not sure. How do you feel about me right now, Reece? Knowing I was raped, are you still interested in dating me? I couldn’t blame you if you weren’t. The rape left scars. I haven’t been with a man since. Until you, I haven’t even been interested.” She hiked her chin. “I don’t want your pity. Your approval, yes. Your passion, for sure. Hell, I’ll even embrace your lust, if it still exists. But you can keep your damn pity.”

  “Pity?” he spat. “Hell, I used all the damn pity I had on myself. Now lie back on this bed so I can hold you in my arms. Go on.” He jerked his head, his eyes intense on hers. “Make room for me. I want you to spread over my body and I’ll show you how interested in you I still am. What happened that night has no bearing on us, baby.”